Overcoming Emotions That Destroy :: Why We All Struggle With Anger (Part II)

For the past four weeks I've been sharing tidbits from the book I've been reading called Overcoming Emotions That Destroy by Chip Ingram and Dr. Becca Johnson. The first three weeks covered each of the three types of types of anger expression - Spewing, Stuffing, and Leaking. Last week covered the first half of Part 3 of the book titled Why We All Struggle With Anger. Today I'll share tidbits from the remainder of this section.

Earlier in section three, the authors combined the 27 root reasons most commonly associated with anger down into three anger zones:
1. hurt from unmet needs
2. frustration from unmet expectations
3. insecurity from threatened self or self-esteem

Today I'll share highlights from the book concerning these three anger zones.

Chapter 9: Hurt From Unmet Needs

The first step in overcoming anger's destructive side is recognizing it's not the problem. It's a surface symptom telling us there's an infection inside.

Communicating The Hurt

Too #1: Communicate Needs

Have you determined the root reason for your anger? If so, make an "I feel" statement based on that determination...

I feel ______________________ (primary emotion)

when _________________________ (what happened?)

Using "I feel" statements tells the person you're communicating with your interpretation of their behavior and your feeling reaction to that interpretation. t also provides the opportunity for that person to let you know whether your interpretation is accurate.

We all need to learn to openly and clearly communicate our feelings rather than run to anger to protect or insulate us.

Stop to Ponder

Identify two relationships that would benefit from the use of "I feel" statements. Ask God to help you be part of the healing process in those relationships.

Chapter 10: Frustration from Unmet Expectations

We all have expectations whether spoken or written, clearly stated or vaguely understood. We develop bound-to-fail expectations when we make assumptions about others motives or intentions, when we expect life to be fair and it isn't, when we expect others to read our minds, or when we feel a sense of entitlement to things or behaviors. When our expectations and life experiences don't match up, we get frustrated.

In the life of faith, there's always tension between being realistic and believing that God will do some amazing things in your life. When you have great faith for the things he has promised, your expectations should be high. But many people have false expectations and end up disappointed. When your expectations and reality don't mix, you may get angry. That's a signal that there's a problem. Remember, the problem is not anger but your hurt and frustration from unmet needs and expectations.

Make your expectations realistic. Expectations can easily turn into demands. Watch the ought, should, must, always and never words that take over your vocabulary. These words be reliable indicators that our expectations have turned into demands.

Tool #2: Communicating Frustration

The simple tool for communicating our frustrations from unmet expectations is to change our demand statements into desire statements. Instead of "I expect", "I want", and "I demand", say "I desire", "I wish", and "I hope".

Added to the statements in tool #1, we now have:

I feel ____________________________ (underlying emotion)

when ______________________________ (what happened?).

I wish/hope/desire/would like ____________________________ (to be different).

When we learn to use this simple, three part tool, we communicate in ways that build rather than break relationships. For our expectations to be realistic, they must be attainable, applicable and achievable.

Questions to Ponder

Do you think that some of your expectations might be unrealistic?
Do you have unrealistic expectations of yourself?

The distance between your expectations and actual experience is frustration.

Chapter 11: Insecurity From Threatened Esteem

Security is not the absence of danger, but the presence of God no matter the danger. When our safety, abilities, role or personality is threatened or questioned, we often respond in anger.  The root emotion however, is insecurity.

Some threats that cause our insecurity come physically.  But most come verbally.  Proverbs 15:11 reminds us "a gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger".

Anytime we feel like someone or something is threatening who we are, what we do, or what we have, anger jumps in to protect and preserve.  Words hurt deeply.  The wounds and scars often remain for life.

Tool #3: As Yourself, "Why Am I Feeling Threatened?"

We're all desperately insecure. Ever since sin entered the world, we have followed the pattern of being afraid that other will see our "nakedness" (the exposed aspects of our lives - emotional, psychological, or physical).  In this book The Strong and The Weak Swiss psychologist Paul Tournier shares that we reveal our insecurity by a strong reaction - powering up, bragging, exploding, name-dropping, seeking to impress - or a week reactions - withdrawing, being excessively shy, having a victim mentality, putting ourselves down, having low self-esteem, refusing to try because we know we'll fail.

Ask yourself the following questions:

1. What is being threatened?  Why do I feel insecure?  (What is under attack?)

2. Who is involved? (Who is attacking me?)

3. Is the threat significant or insignificant?

4. Whose approval am I seeking?  Where does my security come from? (Why do I feel attacked?)

Finding Our Security

You can affirm your security in Christ.  You can find unfailing love, grace and mercy in Him.  When you find your security in Christ, you're less burdened by your own failings and less bothered by what others say or do.

There's only one person in the entire universe who known how to meet our needs and heal our hurts.  Only one person always fulfills the expectations He has for us.  And when we're feeling insecure and afraid, only one person sees all our inadequacies and imperfections and loves us still - just the way we are.

Bottom Line - What's Underneath the Anger?

1. Am I hurt from unmet needs?

2. Am I feeling frustrated from unmet expectations?

3. Am I feeling insecure from feeling threatened?

Questions to Ponder

Who in your life especially triggers your feelings of inadequacy? 

What principals touched on here can most help you minimize the impact of their behavior and words on your self-worth?

Choose a safe friend and share with them a skill or responsibility about which you have felt insecure.  Notice afterword if your honesty feels stressful or liberating.

Next week I'll share highlights from Part 4: Turning Anger From Friend to Foe.  If you haven't already purchased Overcoming Emotions That Destroy by Chip Ingram and Dr. Becca Johnson, I pray that this post has motivated you to do so!