Historical Mysteries

Some time ago I shared a list of some historical mysteries that I had enjoyed reading.  Well, I am back today with another installment!  Stefanie Pintoff is the author of three books (so far) in the series.

Book One:

It is November of 1905...

Detective Simon Ziele loses his fiancée in the wreck of the General Slocum steamship disaster and shortly thereafter heads to Westchester County to escape the violence of the city. But just a few months into his tenure, he catches the worst homicide of his career: a young woman is brutally murdered in her own bedroom in the middle of a winter afternoon.

A day's investigating leads him to Columbia University's noted criminologist, Alistair Sinclair, and one of his subjects, Michael Fromley, who has a history of violent behavior and brutal fantasies. But what would lead him to target Sarah Wingate, a notable mathematics grad student at Columbia? Is it really Michael behind the murder, or is someone else copying his signatures? This is what Simon Ziele must discover, with the help of the brilliant but self-interested Alistair Sinclair, before the killer strikes again. 


Book Two:

It is March of 1906...

A killer lurks among the back alleys of Times Square, targeting the actresses of the Great White Way. When Detective Simon Ziele is drawn into the investigation, he knows exactly who to call upon for his expertise: criminologist Alistair Sinclair. Partnering together once again, they race to make sense of clues found in physical evidence as well as in secret messages embedded in the killer's communications.

 

Book Three:

It is October of 1906 ...

The murder of Judge Hugo Jackson is out of Detective Simon Ziele's jurisdiction in more ways than one. It's high profile enough to command the attention of the notorious new police commissioner, since Judge Jackson was presiding over the sensationalist trial of Al Drayson. Drayson, an anarchist, set off a bomb at a Carnegie wedding, but instead of killing millionaires, it killed passersby, including a child.

Furthermore, Simon's assigned precinct on Manhattan's west side includes the gritty Tenderloin but not the tonier Gramercy Park, which is where the judge is found in his locked townhouse with his throat slashed on the night before the jury is set to deliberate. But his widow insists on calling her husband's old classmate, criminologist Alistair Sinclair, who in turn enlists Ziele's help. Together they must steer Sinclair's unorthodox methods past a police force that is so focused on rounding up Drayson's supporters that they've all but rejected any other possibilities. 
I hope you'll enjoy these books!  I am off to start The Agency Series by Y.S. Lee.  I hope it's good!

What's Your Apology Language?

Today's Thought Provoking Thursday is focused on the topic of apology.  Have you ever had someone apologize to you for something they said or did and you just didn't feel like the apology was genuine?  This may be because the two of you do not speak the same language of apology.  Want to find out what type of apology means most to you?  Check out Gary Chapman's site HERE.

Here's what author Gary Chapman and counselor Jennifer Thomas say in their book The Five Languages of Apology...

We are experts at wronging each other, but when it comes to setting things right, we all could use some help... In an eye-opening study of one of the most important yet least understood pillars of human relationships: the apology. Surprisingly, saying “I’m sorry,” isn’t primarily a matter of will—it’s a matter of how.

Expressing Regret

“Expressing Regret” is the Apology Language that zeroes in on emotional hurt. It is an admission of guilt and shame for causing pain to another person. For those who listen for “Expressing Regret” apologies, a simple “I’m sorry” is all they look for. There is no need for explanation or “pay back” provided the apology has truly come from the heart. “Expressing Regret” is a powerful Apology Language because it gets right to the point. It doesn’t make excuses or attempt to deflect blame. Above all, “Expressing Regret” takes ownership of the wrong. For that reason, “Expressing Regret” is understood as a sincere commitment to repair and rebuild the relationship. The “Expressing Regret” Apology Language speaks most clearly when the person offering the apology reflects sincerity not only verbally, but also through body language. Unflinching eye contact and a gentle, but firm touch are two ways that body language can underscore sincerity.

Accept Responsibility

It is very difficult for some people to admit that they’re wrong. It makes them doubt their self-worth, and no one likes to be portrayed as a failure. However, as adults, we must all admit that we are sinners and that we will make mistakes. We are going to make poor decisions that hurt our mates, and we are going to have to admit that we were wrong. We have to accept responsibility for our own failures. For many individuals, all they want is to hear the words, “I am wrong.” If the apology neglects accepting responsibility for their actions, many partners will not feel as though the apology was meaningful and sincere. Many partners need to learn how to overcome their ego, the desire to not be viewed as a failure, and simply admit that their actions were wrong. For a mate who speaks this apology language, if an apology does not admit fault, it is not worth hearing. Being sincere in your apology means allowing yourself to be weak, and admitting that you make mistakes. Though this may be hard to do for some people, it makes a world of a difference to your partner who speaks this language.

Make Restitution

In our society, many people believe that wrong acts demand justice. The one who commits the crime should pay for their wrongdoing. A mate who speaks this love language feels the same way towards apologies. They believe that in order to be sincere, the person who is apologizing should justify their actions. The mate who’s been hurt simply wants to hear that their mate still loves them.

There are many effective ways to demonstrate sincerity in an apology. Each mate must learn the other’s love language in order to complete the act of restitution. Though some mates may feel a though all is forgotten with a bouquet of flowers, that may not necessarily work for all mates. Every mate should uncover what their partner’s main love language is (Words of Affirmation, Quality Time, Acts of Service, Physical Touch, and Receiving Gifts) and use that specific language in order to make restitutions in the most effective way.

For a mate whose primary apology language is making restitutions, no matter how often you say “I’m sorry”, or “I was wrong”, your mate will never find the apology sincere. You must show strong efforts for making amends. A genuine apology will be accompanied by the assurance that you still love your mate 
and have a desire to right the wrong-doings committed.

Genuinely Repent

For some individuals, repentance is the convincing factor in an apology. Some mates will doubt the sincerity of an apology if it is not accompanied by their partner’s desire to modify their behavior to avoid 
the situation in the future.

It’s important to remember that all true repentance begins in the heart. A mate must feel poorly for hurting their loved one, and rely on God’s help in order to truly change. Admitting you are wrong creates vulnerability. It allows your mate to get a glimpse of your heart. The glimpse of true self is assurance that the apology was sincere.

One important aspect of genuinely repenting is verbalizing your desire to change. Your mate cannot read your mind. Though you may be trying to change inside, if you do not verbalize your desire to change to your mate, most likely they will still be hurt.

Many people have problems with repenting when they do not feel as though their actions were morally wrong. However, in a healthy relationship, we often make changes that have nothing to do with morality and everything to do with building a harmonious marriage.

It is also important to make a dedicated plan for change. Often apologies involving repentance fail because the person never set up steps of action to help ensure success. A person must first set goals for their change. After you create realistic goals, then you can start implementing a plan to change. Taking baby steps towards repentance instead of insisting on changing all at once will increase your chances of successfully changing your ways.

It is important to remember that change is hard. Constructive change does not mean we will immediately be successful. There will be highs and lows on the road to change. You must remember that with God’s help, anyone can change their ways if they are truly and genuinely ready to repent.

Request Forgiveness

In some relationships, a mate wants to hear their partner physically ask for forgiveness. They want assurance that their mate recognizes the need for forgiveness. By asking forgiveness for their actions, a partner is really asking their mate to still love them. Requesting forgiveness assures your mate that you want to see the relationship fully restored. It also proves to your mate that you are sincerely sorry for what you’ve done. It shows that you realize you’ve done something wrong. Requesting forgiveness also shows that you are willing to put the future of the relationship in the hands of the offended mate. You are leaving the final decision up to your partner – to forgive or not forgive.

Requesting forgiveness is not easy. It often leaves one vulnerable to the fear of rejection. Along with the fear of rejection is the fear of failing. Many people have a hard time seeking forgiveness because it means admitting that you have failed. The only way to overcome this fear is to recognize that it is very common amongst mankind. The commonality makes it okay to be a failure. It allows a stubborn mate to apologize to their partner and become a healthy individual.

Ultimately, it’s important to remember that there is a difference between asking for forgiveness and DEMANDING forgiveness. When we demand forgiveness, we tend to forget the nature of forgiveness. Forgiveness is a choice the offended party is supposed to make. Demanding forgiveness takes away the sincerity of asking for it.

Remember not to treat forgiveness lightly. It is something to be cherished and appreciated. The act of forgiveness is hard on both ends – for the person who’s asking and for the person who’s accepting.

**********************************************************

It was interesting to take this assessment to see where my apology language fell.  If you'd like to do the same, you can find the online assessment HERE.  I really would like to read the book and do some studying because there is one language that really concerns me and I wonder if it is even Biblical.  And though I think that requesting forgiveness is important, I feel that is something that is done through the Holy Spirit's prompting and if led, this step should be part of an apology not stated by itself.  That said, here were my results:

Apology Language Scores:

7	Expressing Regret
6	Accepting Responsibility
0	Making Restitution
5	Genuinely Repenting
2	Requesting Forgiveness

My top two apology languages is Expressing Regret. What you want to hear in an apology is an immediate expression of sorrow for causing you pain. A simple “I’m sorry” goes a long way.

My second most common apology language is Accepting Responsibility. What you are looking for in an apology is maturity. You most want to hear the offending party say, I was wrong and I take responsibility for my actions.

If you take this assessment, I'd really like to know your results!

Books, Books, Books

If you've followed my blog or known me for long, you know about my passion for reading.  I love to read - not just books, but magazines, newspapers, online resources, etc.  Today I'd like to share some of the best (in no particular order) nonfiction books I've recently read.

Deliciously Organic by Carri Vitt

Front Yard Gardens by L. Primeau

Sugar Snaps and Strawberries by A. Bellamy

The 150 Healthiest Foods on Earth by Johny Bowden
 

Green Pharmacy Guide to Healing Foods by James Duke

Don't Throw It, Grow It by Peterson and Selsam
 

Have you read something good lately?

Book Recommendations for Children

With my background in child development and early childhood education as well as my work as a child therapist, I thought I'd share some books about issues that may be affecting your child's life.  You can see more about these resources on the American Psychological Association's website found HERE.

Max Archer, Kid Detective is a genuine, funny story that addresses bedwetting in an upfront way. Max used to wet the bed, and now wants to share what he knows about staying dry.

Kids are given a concrete plan that may just motivate them to solve their own bedwetting problem! Extra fun activities and a Q&A for parents round out this kid-friendly resource.

The Case of the Wet Bed is set to be released on April 15, 2011.

*******************

Falling asleep can be challenging for a lot of kids. Thankfully, Good Night Giants is here to help!

Playful and full of imagination, Good Night Giants invites kids to count giants as they drift off to slumber. Cognitive-behavioral methods are couched in a rhythmic, relaxing story and whimsical illustrations to help restless kids take control of their sleep.

A note to parents provides additional strategies and insight.

Good Night Giants is set to be released in March 2011.

*******************

What can you do when the grouchies take hold? How can you keep a bad mood at bay?
With funny rhymes and a silly chant, The Grouchies shows kids simple and fun ways to turn around grouchy moods. But most of all, kids will understand how their mood and negativity can affect their family and friends, and really get in the way of having a good day.

An extensive Note to Parents further explains the child's experience and provides parents with easy-to-apply tips and tools for helping their kids when a grumpy day comes along.

The Grouchies was published in October 2009.

*******************

Do you have suggestions of books that may help children deal with issues in their lives you'd like to share?

Women of Justice Series

One of my favorite past times has always been to read.  In the past year or so I have really enjoyed reading novels chalked full of suspense.  Too Close to Home and Don't Look Back by Lynette Eason are two such suspenseful novels.  In May, book 3, A Killer Among Us, will be released.  If you want some great reading to curl up with this winter, this series may be just what you're looking for!

The FBI has a secret weapon. But now the secret's out.

When missing teens begin turning up dead in a small Southern town, the FBI sends in Special Agent Samantha Cash to help crack the case. Her methods are invisible, and she never quits until the case is closed.

Homicide detective Connor Wolfe has his hands full. His relationship with his headstrong daughter is in a tailspin, and the string of unsolved murders has the town demanding answers. Connor is running out of ideas--and time.

Samantha joins Connor in a race against the clock to save the next victim. And the killer starts to get personal.

Too Close to Home ratchets up the suspense with each page even as love blossoms in the face of danger. Read this one with the lights on!

One man lives to see her dead--the other is fighting to keep her alive.

Twelve years ago, forensic anthropologist Jamie Cash survived a brutal kidnapping. After years of therapy, she has made a life for herself--though one that is haunted by memories of her terrifying past. She finally lets herself believe that she can have a close relationship with a man, when signs start appearing that point to one frightening fact--her attacker is back and ready to finish the job he started all those years ago.

Can she escape his grasp a second time? And will she ever be able to let down her guard enough to find true love?

Filled with heart-stopping suspense, gritty realism, and a touch of romance, Don't Look Back pulls you into its twists and turns to hold you there until the very last page.

And coming in May 2011...

Kit Kenyon is a first-rate hostage negotiator. Noah Lambert is a good detective with excellent instincts. The new partners have hardly had time to get used to each other when they are thrown into a grisly murder case. As evidence mounts up and more victims are found, Kit and Noah realize they are on the hunt for a serial killer. The problem is, he's hunting one of them too.

With nail-biting suspense, clever plot twists, and a hint of sweet romance, A Killer Among Us is the latest thriller from Lynette Eason. It will keep readers up late as they race to discover the killer--and whether Kit and Noah will live to tell about it.


Have you read any good books lately?

Another Book for My List!

Last Wednesday morning at Women's Bible Study one of the ladies shared about the author of a book she had just read by Jim Daly.  Now the President of Focus on the Family, Jim's story is a tragic one.  Abandoned by his alcoholic father at age 5, Daly lost his mother to cancer four years later – a wound deepened when his grieving stepfather emptied the family home and took off with almost everything while Daly, the youngest of five children, and his siblings were at their mother's funeral.  Several tough years in foster care followed, before Daly became a Christian in high school and found meaning, purpose and a sense of belonging.

Today I had the time to look up Jim's books and now really want to read Stronger!  You can read and watch a video clip about the book HERE.  Here's what Christian Book Distributors has to say...
Focus on the Family president Daly weaves together compelling true stories and life principles with biblical wisdom to show how God uses struggles to strengthen the faith of his followers. Whether you're facing difficulty yourself or know somebody who is, you'll welcome this reminder of the unchangeable and unbreakable power of the King of kings

Are there any good looking books you're looking forward to reading?

Excited For the December Release of book 3 in the Acts of Faith Series

I loved The Centurion's Wife and The Hidden Flame by T. Davis Bunn and Janette Oke.  Book #3, The Damascus Way, is finally coming out in December!  I can't wait. :)  Here's a little bit more about the books...

Book 1...

Caught up in the maelstrom following the death of an obscure rabbi in the Roman backwater of first-century Palestine, Leah finds herself also engulfed in her own turmoil--facing the prospect of an arranged marriage to a Roman soldier, Alban, who seems to care for nothing but his own ambitions. Head of the garrison near Gallilee, he has been assigned by Palestine's governor to ferret out the truth behind rumors of a political execution gone awry. Leah's mistress, the governor's wife, secretly commissions also to discover what really has become of this man whose death--and missing body--is causing such furor.

Book 2...

Abigail had lost everything--home--family, and left with little promise of a normal life. When she discovers the Messiah and joins his followers, she also discovers new meaning and purpose. Maybe she does have a future after all. But increasing persecution is scattering the burgeoning group "to the ends of the earth." And Abigail may have given her heart to the wrong man.

Abigail, an orphan, has found the young brother she had thought was dead. Along the way she also has found a second family--those brave followers of the Jewish prophet Jesus. Under attack from several groups who hate them for their growing influence, these new Christians are spreading out from Jerusalem, taking their life-changing message with them. This further enrages the religious elite, and they engage whomever they can to stamp out this powerful new sect called The Way.

Book 3...

Julia has everything money can buy.except for acceptance by either the Gentiles or the Jews. Her Greek father already has a wife and family, leaving Julia and her Hebrew mother second-class citizens. But when they are introduced to followers of the Way, they become part of that community of believers.

Abigail's brother, Jacob, now a young man, is attempting to discover his own place as a Christian. He is concerned that being more serious about his faith means trading away the exhilaration of his current profession as a caravan guard. Hired by Julia's father to protect the wealthy merchant's caravans on the secretive "Frankincense Trail"-undercover transport of this highly valuable commodity- Jacob also passes letters and messages between various communities of believers. He is alarmed to find out that Julia, hardly more than a girl, is also a messenger. Can their immediate mistrust be put aside to finally bring their hearts together?

Have you read any good books lately?

Teaser Tuesdays :: Deceit by Brandilyn Collins

I'm joining Ms. B for Teaser Tuesdays on her blog Should Be Reading.   Here are the directions:

* Grab your current read

* Open to a random page

* Share two (2) “teaser” sentences from somewhere on that page

* BE CAREFUL NOT TO INCLUDE SPOILERS! (make sure that what you share doesn’t give too much away! You don’t want to ruin the book for others!)

* Share the title & author, too, so that other TT participants can add the book to their TBR Lists if they like your teasers!

This week I'm reading Deceit by Brandilyn Collins.  Here's what Publisher's Weekly has to say about the book...

Fans of Collins and her trademarked "Seatbelt Suspense" will find her usual blend of good storytelling and notable mystery in this standalone tale of murder and suspicion wrapped in a cloak of deceit. Joanne Weeks is a skip tracer-someone who looks for deadbeats, a profession worth reading the book to learn more about-and knows that Baxter Jackson killed his wife, who was Joanne's best friend. The investigation stalls until Jackson's second wife turns up dead and frightening events begin to unfold in Joanne's life. Who is the man who jumps in front of her car on a rainy night? Why is he urging her to find Melissa Harkoff, a foster child long gone from the scene? Did someone break into Joanne's home? What does the Jacksons' foster daughter know about Linda Jackson's murder? Collins provides an enticing read while posing tough questions about truth and lies, power and control, faith and forgiveness. This will cause readers to look for the deceit in their own lives, and give them a fine summer read.

Here's a teaser from page page 29...
I lifted by hand from the knob that stared at the door, afraid of what I might find on the other side.  I shook all over, miserably cold.  Logic wormed its way into my brain once more - the man hadn't hurt me, far from it. 

Sullivan Crisp Series

Are you looking for a good book, or in this case a series of three good books, to read? The Sullivan Crisp Series by Nancy Rue and Stephen Arterburn may be just what you're looking for. I just finished book three and really enjoyed them all. Below are exerpts from Christian Book Distributors...

Book One, Healing Stones

When Demetria Costanas finally confronts a fellow professor to tell him that their affair is over, it's more than the relationship that's finished. After a photo is delivered to the university president and her husband, she may lose her career and marriage, too! Will sorting things out with Christian counselor Sullivan Crisp help?

Book 2, Healing Waters

Lucia Coffey longs to feel good about herself and her body . . . but she can't get the negative voices out of her head. Lucia has always lived in the shadow of her sister Sophia, a charismatic ministry leader with a huge following. She doesn't feel worthy of her sister or her husband, and her own dreams of being a dancer have long since gone by the wayside. As her self-esteem and self-worth plummet, her struggle to keep her weight under control soars.

But then she meets Sullivan Crisp, the decidedly unorthodox psychologist who is well-known for his quirky sense of humor and incorporation of "game show" theology into his counseling sessions. He sees the beauty hidden in Lucia and sets about trying to help her find it for herself. Lucia longs for the faith to walk on water. And with the endlessly creative ways God uses our meager efforts to bring hope and new life, she just might find the path that leads her there.

Book 3, Healing Sands

In the struggle for healing, when do you fight and when do you surrender?

Ryan Alexander-Coe is a talented photojournalist who has been on assignment all over the world. But when her two sons choose to live with their father after her divorce, Ryan must give her career up for a small-town newspaper job in order to be near them.


Life spirals out of control when her fifteen-year-old son is arrested. Desperation--both over the fact that she cannot believe her son commited this crime and that he refuses to talk to her--sends her anger level soaring . . . and eventually sends her storming into Dr. Sullivan Crisp's office in search of ways to cope with her anger. Sully is in town assisting at one of his clinics and continuing his search for Belinda Cox, the woman whose guilt-inducing counseling caused the death of his wife and daughter. When Sully's search ends in disaster, both he and Ryan will have to fully rely on God--rather than themselves--to survive these storms.

Overcoming Emotions That Destroy: How to Be Good and Mad (the conclusion)

Today I will share tidbits from the conclusion to this wonderful resource, Overcoming Emotions that Destroy, by Pastor Chip Ingram and Dr. Becca Johnson.
Part 7: How to Be Good and Mad

Anger should be a stepping stone, not a stumbling block.

Anger is one of the most positive, effective weapons in the arsenal of God to bring about radical, righteous change.

Be Angry!

On many occasions, anger is good and produces good results.  History is full of far-reaching examples, such as William Wilberforce, whose anger over the injustice of slavery prompted the unraveling of England's laws that allowed it, and Martin Luther, whose anger over gross distortions of the gospel eventually catalyzed an entire reformation.

Is there an issue or injustice or situation that really makes you angry?  Could God be speaking to you about turning that anger into action?

Jesus's Example of Expressing Anger Appropriately
Mark 3:2-5, 11:15-17
Matthew 23:23-33

Jesus's Response When Attacked Unfairly
He remained quiet,
He gave it to God the Father.
He found no need to justify himself.
He didn't get defensive or insecure, start gossiping, become passive aggressive or erupt in explosive outbursts.

Expressing Our Anger Appropriately
Communicate your needs and concerns clearly
Use "I statements" rather than hurling accusations
Redirect excess anger in healthy ways
Extend grace, mercy love and forgiveness
Get angry at what really matters

What Healthy, Appropriate Anger Looks Like
1. Quick to hear
2. Slow to Speak
3. Slow to Anger
4. Expresses Anger
5. Expresses Anger Appropriately
6. Resolves Anger

1 Peter 2:19-21, 23

Our hurts may be superficial or they may be deep.  They may be over a fleeting events or an inescapable ongoing situation.  They may be coldly impersonal or painfully personal.  They may involve a stranger or a loved on.  Whatever the depth, the causes, or the consequences, we need to get rid of the anger by resolving it as quickly as possible.

Identify What Keeps Us From Resolving Our Anger
1. Desire for payback or revenge
2. Extreme apprehension and fear of confrontation
3. Apathy
4. Belief that the best course of action is no action

Titus 3:9

Your temper is one of your most valuable possessions don't lose it.

How Do You Know If It's Unresolved?

If hearing a name or recalling an event causes you to feel flushes, your blood pressure to ruse, knots or tighten in your stomach and your heart to race, your probably nursing and old wound.

List any areas of unresolved anger you are aware of in your life.  Pray over each person, place, or thing involved.  Ask God what practical steps you should take toward resolving each of these anger wounds.

Resolving Deep Anger

It's hard to let go of anger - especially when its roots are deep and bitterness is in full bloom.

No matter what the reason for your anger, being angry never makes things better.  If left unresolved, your anger can turn into a second problem.  Then you not only have to deal with the wrong someone did to you, but the wrong you've done to yourself.

How to Heal a Deep Wound

1. Cleanse the wound of dirt and debris (Eph. 4:31)

2. Treat the wound with healing ointment (Eph. 4:32)

3. Bandage the wound for protection (Eph. 5:1-2)

We can't change what was done/said to us, but we can change our responses.

Ps. 82:3-4

Wow! I have learned so much from reading Overcoming Emotions that Destroy by Chip Ingram and Dr. Becca Johnson. I hope that the notes I have shared have encouraged you to seek a copy of this book so that you too can begin to overcome emotions that negatively impact yourself and your relationships.

Overcoming Emotions That Destroy: Learning to Stop Your Anger Before it Starts

For the past several months I have been sharing highlights from Chip Ingram and Dr. Becca Johnson's book Overcoming Emotions That Destroy: Practical Help for Those Angry Feelings That Ruin Relationships.  So far the authors have discussed the three faces of anger, why we all struggle with anger, how to turn anger from foe to friend, and God's Anger Management Plan.  Today's post shares tidbits from Part 6: Learning to Stop Your Anger Before it Starts.

Minimizing Stress

The more pressured, burned out, overwhelmed, or busy we are, the more vulnerable we are to anger. 

Six Strategies to Reduce Stress & Anger

1. Eliminate Hurry

2. Downsize Expectations

3. Admit Your Mistakes

4. Laugh More

5. Take Care of Yourself

6. Know What Triggers Your Anger

Ps. 46:10 says "Be still and know that I am God".

So much hurt and harm could be avoided if people were willing to accept rather than project blame.  All to often, we would rather defend our mistakes, much too much energy is spent trying to cover up, deny, minimize or transfer blame.  Defensiveness rarely (if ever) accomplishes what we want it to.  Rather than protecting our own dignity, reputation, or sense of wounded pride, it alienated others.  A lot of time could be saved with a simple, "I'm sorry".

Next week I'll share the last of my notes from Overcoming Emotions That Destroy with what may seem like a contradiction to all that has been shared before in Part 7: How to Be Good and Mad.

Teaser Tuesday : Indivisible by Kristen Heitzmann

I'm joining Ms. B for Teaser Tuesdays on her blog Should Be Reading.   Here are the directions:

* Grab your current read

* Open to a random page

* Share two (2) “teaser” sentences from somewhere on that page

* BE CAREFUL NOT TO INCLUDE SPOILERS! (make sure that what you share doesn’t give too much away! You don’t want to ruin the book for others!)

* Share the title & author, too, so that other TT participants can add the book to their TBR Lists if they like your teasers!

I recently read Kristen Heitzmann's book Indivisible.  A bit mystery, a bit romance...an all around great read!

Here's a description from Amazon...

Battling his own personal demons, Police Chief Jonah Westfall knows the dark side of life and has committed himself to eradicating it. When a pair of raccoons are found mutilated in Redford, Colorado, Jonah investigates the gruesome act, knowing the strange event could escalate and destroy the tranquility of his small mountain town. With a rising drug threat and never-ending conflict with Tia Manning, a formidable childhood friend with whom he has more than a passing history, Jonah fights for answers—and his fragile sobriety.   But he can’t penetrate every wound or secret—especially one fueled by a love and guilt teetering on madness.

Without further ado, the teaser from page 113...

Liz looked from Jonah to the window where Tia had hovered a moment, then changed course for her shop next door.  In that moment, it all fell into place.

Overcoming Emotions That Destroy :: God's Anger Management Plan

Last week I shared from Part 4 of Chip Ingram and Dr. Becca Johnson's book Overcoming Emotions That Destroy concerning how to turn anger from a foe to a friend. This week's highlights share the God's plan on how we should deal with anger. I hope you enjoy these highlights and are practicing them in your life. Without further ado...

Part 5: God's Anger Management Plan

God created man with two ears and one mouth so that he would listen twice as much as he speaks. ~ Chinese Proverb

Anger is a wild stallion. It needs to be tamed and harnessed for good. It's an emoion full of energy, power and strength. If left unbridled, anger can destroy us and those around us.

The book of James was written to people experiencing hard times, who were likely to say and do regretful things. God inspired James to write a three-part anger management plan. Written many years ago, it still hits a bulls-eye today.

James tells us in chapter 1, verse 19 to:
1. Be Quick to Hear
2. Slow to Speak
3. Slow to Anger

Why?

For man's anger does not bring about the righteousness that God desires. ~ James 1:20

Six Ways to Slow Down Your Anger
1. Communicate your needs in a nonaccusatory manner.
2. Try to understand and acknowledge the other person's point of view.
3. Stick to the issue and the facts (don't attack character).
4. Identify possible solutions (negotiate, compromise, cooperate).
5. Maintain calm, respect, and objectivity and remain open to input/ideas.
6. If the discussion becomes heated, consider taking a time out.

This week's post is intentionally short on details. Please consider purchasing a copy of Overcoming Emotions That Destroy for the valuable jewels it contains that will help you to learn how to deal with the anger in your life.

Next week I'll share tidbits from Part 6: Learning to Stop Anger Before It Starts.

Blind Hope by Kim Meeder

Who would ever think that an almost-blind mutt could transform a hurting young woman's life? When Laurie adopted Mia, she wanted to show the world how kind and unselfish she was. But her relationship with her defiant dog unmasked Laurie's spiritual ugliness---and need for forgiveness. Meeder's lyrical retelling offers hope and healing for wounded hearts.

Several weeks ago I entered a giveaway on Sherry's blog, Lamp Unto My Feet, for a chance to win the book Blind Hope by Kim Meeder. I read the first book of Kim's called a Bridge Called Hope several years ago, then Hope Rising a few weeks ago. Both books tell about the ranch she and her husband run and their ministry to bring healing to hurt children and horses.

My name was chosen for Sherry's giveaway and Blind Hope arrived today along with some great looking drink packets I can't wait to try. Thank you so much Sherry!

Overcoming Emotions That Destroy :: Turning Anger From Foe To Friend

Last week's Mental Health Monday post provided highlights from the second half of Part 3 of Chip Ingram and Dr. Becca Johnson's book Overcoming Emotions That Destroy, specifically concerning the three main anger zones or reasons behind our anger and provided us with three tools to help us begin to change our choices regarding anger.

Part 4: Turning Anger From Foe to Friend

Chapter 12: The Anger ABCDs

Your temper is one of your most valuable possessions. Don't lose it.

As a reminder, the Anger ABCDs include:
Acknowledge that you're angry
Backtrack to the primary emotion
Consider the cause
Determine how to deal with it

The Who, What, How and When of Determining How to Deal with Anger

Who am I angry with?
    At whom am I really angry?  Myself?  Someone else?  The situation?  God?

Only when you honestly come to grips with the one you're really angry at can genuine healing occur.

What should I do?
    What are my options?  Should I express my concerns directly to the person(s) involved (confront)? Should I redirect and release my anger indirectly using nondestructive, nonconfortational methods (conform, conceal or quit)? Will my plans escalate and perpetuate the situation, or will they dissipate it? (Will it make matters worse or make it better?)

     Sometimes expressing your anger makes it worse.  The more anger we communicate, the worse we feel.  For some, expressing it can get it off their chest and lessen the load, but for most of us, it stirs up rather than calming us down.

How do I deal with the person/situation?
     Do I deal with the person/situation face to face? On the phone?  Through a letter? Engage in anger discharge activities?

Expressing Directly

In Person - allows full communication through body language and gestures.  Both parties can respond back and forth, explain misunderstandings and reply.  It invites open dialogue rather than a one-sided communication of concerns.  Before meeting with the person, try putting yourself in their place.  This usually helps you gain a greater understanding and sometimes greater compassion.  Also, write out and clarify your concerns ahead of time and go through the Anger ABCDs to determine what's really behind he anger, why it's there and what you wish was different.  When meeting with the person, use a calm voice, avoid emotionally laden words and remain rational.  You might let the person know in advance that you wish to speak to them and what the area of concern is. 

By phone - also gives ongoing give and take as well as the opportunity to respond to concerns (or accusations).

In a letter - this route should only be taken when its unsafe, inadvisable or impossible to deal with the problem in person.  Putting down your concerns in writing forces you to clarify them, keeps you from rambling, prevents the other person from hijacking or side-tracking the conversation, and helps you to avoid expressing your anger in destructive ways.  It also helps you to cool down, realize your part in the problem and sift out accusatory, negative counterattacks. 

There are times when its best to throw away the letter after it has been written.  Just getting our frustrations down on paper may be the only intervention necessary.  It is always advisable to wait several days before sending an anger-driven letter.  By then we may decide to not sent it at all, or we may decide we want to rewrite it in less critical terms.

Expressing Indirectly

There are many things we can do to vent our pent-up emotions.  The authors call these Anger Discharge Activities may be physical or emotional.  Physical option include beating small house rugs, pulling weeds, mopping floors, chopping wood, crushing soda cans, kneading bread, running, or swimming.  Emotional options include counting to ten, journalling - on paper, tape recorder or spoken to yourself in the mirror, going for a drive or walk, relaxation techniques, or enjoying a cup of tea.

When should I make the next step?
     When should I deal with the situation?  Now, later or never?

Timing is critical when dealing with anger.  We need to know when to speak, when to listen, when to confront, when to be silent, when to move forward, and when to retreat.  When you're upset, you need to determine if this is a "time worsens" or "time heals" situation. 

When conflicts arise, we tend to gravitate towards extremes.  Either we blow up and attack our adversary on the spot, or we retreat in fear of confrontation.  An impulsive person may continually choose to deal with their anger immediately because they don't like the ongoing tension and feelings inside.  Others choose to avoid any type of confrontation, not because it's the best timing but because it feels safe.  They think that ignoring the problem will make it go away.  Automatic responses like this generally backfire on you and damage yourself and your relationships even more because you took the comfortable rather than the right road.  If you decide to wait until a later time to deal with the conflict, you need to identify ways to vent your negative feelings in healthy, nondestructive ways in the meantime.

Have you ever written an anger letter?  Did you send it?  Why/why not?  Are you glad you did/didn't?

Chapter 13: Anger is a Choice

Anger is a choice. Nobody makes us angry, we choose to feel that way.

When you find yourself in a situation with an angry person, do you stay and try to work things out, or is it best to leave the situation and take a time out?

When you feel yourself begin to get angry at something that happened, ask yourself:
Are there other ways to evaluate what happened?
What might be happening to the other person?
Am I taking the situation too personally?
What has contributed to my seeing this the way I do?
Can/should I change my evaluation?

What can we do to become better evaluators? We need to learn to take our time and think before we act, being careful not to jump to the wrong conclusions.

My unrighteous anger never accomplishes God's purposes and ends up hurting myself and others (James 1:19-20).

When we choose to ponder, meditate, contemplate and commit ourselves to well chosen, premeditated words, we can trust God to step in and help us, guide us and empower us to handle anger His way.

If you haven't already, I encourage you to purchase your own copy of Chip and Becca's book Overcoming Emotions That Destroy, which contains a wealth of information which will help you, with the Lord's guidance, to overcome the deadly aspect of anger in your life.

Overcoming Emotions That Destroy :: Why We All Struggle With Anger (Part II)

For the past four weeks I've been sharing tidbits from the book I've been reading called Overcoming Emotions That Destroy by Chip Ingram and Dr. Becca Johnson. The first three weeks covered each of the three types of types of anger expression - Spewing, Stuffing, and Leaking. Last week covered the first half of Part 3 of the book titled Why We All Struggle With Anger. Today I'll share tidbits from the remainder of this section.

Earlier in section three, the authors combined the 27 root reasons most commonly associated with anger down into three anger zones:
1. hurt from unmet needs
2. frustration from unmet expectations
3. insecurity from threatened self or self-esteem

Today I'll share highlights from the book concerning these three anger zones.

Chapter 9: Hurt From Unmet Needs

The first step in overcoming anger's destructive side is recognizing it's not the problem. It's a surface symptom telling us there's an infection inside.

Communicating The Hurt

Too #1: Communicate Needs

Have you determined the root reason for your anger? If so, make an "I feel" statement based on that determination...

I feel ______________________ (primary emotion)

when _________________________ (what happened?)

Using "I feel" statements tells the person you're communicating with your interpretation of their behavior and your feeling reaction to that interpretation. t also provides the opportunity for that person to let you know whether your interpretation is accurate.

We all need to learn to openly and clearly communicate our feelings rather than run to anger to protect or insulate us.

Stop to Ponder

Identify two relationships that would benefit from the use of "I feel" statements. Ask God to help you be part of the healing process in those relationships.

Chapter 10: Frustration from Unmet Expectations

We all have expectations whether spoken or written, clearly stated or vaguely understood. We develop bound-to-fail expectations when we make assumptions about others motives or intentions, when we expect life to be fair and it isn't, when we expect others to read our minds, or when we feel a sense of entitlement to things or behaviors. When our expectations and life experiences don't match up, we get frustrated.

In the life of faith, there's always tension between being realistic and believing that God will do some amazing things in your life. When you have great faith for the things he has promised, your expectations should be high. But many people have false expectations and end up disappointed. When your expectations and reality don't mix, you may get angry. That's a signal that there's a problem. Remember, the problem is not anger but your hurt and frustration from unmet needs and expectations.

Make your expectations realistic. Expectations can easily turn into demands. Watch the ought, should, must, always and never words that take over your vocabulary. These words be reliable indicators that our expectations have turned into demands.

Tool #2: Communicating Frustration

The simple tool for communicating our frustrations from unmet expectations is to change our demand statements into desire statements. Instead of "I expect", "I want", and "I demand", say "I desire", "I wish", and "I hope".

Added to the statements in tool #1, we now have:

I feel ____________________________ (underlying emotion)

when ______________________________ (what happened?).

I wish/hope/desire/would like ____________________________ (to be different).

When we learn to use this simple, three part tool, we communicate in ways that build rather than break relationships. For our expectations to be realistic, they must be attainable, applicable and achievable.

Questions to Ponder

Do you think that some of your expectations might be unrealistic?
Do you have unrealistic expectations of yourself?

The distance between your expectations and actual experience is frustration.

Chapter 11: Insecurity From Threatened Esteem

Security is not the absence of danger, but the presence of God no matter the danger. When our safety, abilities, role or personality is threatened or questioned, we often respond in anger.  The root emotion however, is insecurity.

Some threats that cause our insecurity come physically.  But most come verbally.  Proverbs 15:11 reminds us "a gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger".

Anytime we feel like someone or something is threatening who we are, what we do, or what we have, anger jumps in to protect and preserve.  Words hurt deeply.  The wounds and scars often remain for life.

Tool #3: As Yourself, "Why Am I Feeling Threatened?"

We're all desperately insecure. Ever since sin entered the world, we have followed the pattern of being afraid that other will see our "nakedness" (the exposed aspects of our lives - emotional, psychological, or physical).  In this book The Strong and The Weak Swiss psychologist Paul Tournier shares that we reveal our insecurity by a strong reaction - powering up, bragging, exploding, name-dropping, seeking to impress - or a week reactions - withdrawing, being excessively shy, having a victim mentality, putting ourselves down, having low self-esteem, refusing to try because we know we'll fail.

Ask yourself the following questions:

1. What is being threatened?  Why do I feel insecure?  (What is under attack?)

2. Who is involved? (Who is attacking me?)

3. Is the threat significant or insignificant?

4. Whose approval am I seeking?  Where does my security come from? (Why do I feel attacked?)

Finding Our Security

You can affirm your security in Christ.  You can find unfailing love, grace and mercy in Him.  When you find your security in Christ, you're less burdened by your own failings and less bothered by what others say or do.

There's only one person in the entire universe who known how to meet our needs and heal our hurts.  Only one person always fulfills the expectations He has for us.  And when we're feeling insecure and afraid, only one person sees all our inadequacies and imperfections and loves us still - just the way we are.

Bottom Line - What's Underneath the Anger?

1. Am I hurt from unmet needs?

2. Am I feeling frustrated from unmet expectations?

3. Am I feeling insecure from feeling threatened?

Questions to Ponder

Who in your life especially triggers your feelings of inadequacy? 

What principals touched on here can most help you minimize the impact of their behavior and words on your self-worth?

Choose a safe friend and share with them a skill or responsibility about which you have felt insecure.  Notice afterword if your honesty feels stressful or liberating.

Next week I'll share highlights from Part 4: Turning Anger From Friend to Foe.  If you haven't already purchased Overcoming Emotions That Destroy by Chip Ingram and Dr. Becca Johnson, I pray that this post has motivated you to do so!